2012's BEST & WORST

     2012! What a year! From a White House snub and, predictably, some celebs losing a bit of their star wattage and luster, to the prevalence of sleepwear in public and a rise in littering, this year social graces were perched perilously close to their own cliff, gone Gangnam style out of control. 
     But thankfully, kindness also abounded, even in the most atrotious of places.
     There is no appropriate category for what happened in the innocent confines of a Colorado movie theater on a warm summer night, or inside an elementary school in an idyllic Connecticut community eleven days before Christmas. Unquestionably, it was evil at its worst.
     But out of such horror, emerged stories of heroism - a boyfriend who took a bullet for his girlfriend, and a principal and teachers who lost their lives by lunging at a gunman and shielding their students.
    There was a lot of good embedded in those horrific moments in Connecticut and Colorado, and elsewhere, a reminder that even in the most abominable of times, benevolence and mercy can triumph. 
    Likewise, Superstorm Hurricane Sandy was Mother Nature at her worst this year - paralyzing parts of the northeast and wreaking havoc on many lives. But she didn't dampen the spirit of courage and determination, even in the face of rising tides and disaster.  Those affected banded together to help neighbors, and volunteer support poured in from around the world, further evidence that the human spirit of helping one another is still alive and well.  We saw it in the first responders, the selfless victims and volunteers from such organizations as the Red Cross who acted quickly to stave off further damage.

 Looking back over the many ITMANNERSALOT blogs and columns posted and published this year online, at BakersfieldMom.com and in BakersfieldLife Magazine, some antics and other acts of thoughtfulness stood out. Herewith, is the best of the worst, and the creme of the crop, along with the hope that 2013 will usher in more good manners.  After all, it 'MANNERS A LOT'!

THE BEST OF 2012:

1.  Ann Curry:   The class and grace the morning show co-host displayed during weeks of speculation of her demotion was worthy of an Academy Award. She too had read the blogs, the headlines, the anonymous quotes her employers had given to the press.  She continued to show up for work, held her head high, turned a cheek, and bowed out with elegance.

2. Former Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords:  One year after a gunman interrupted her life and those of 19, representative Giffords returned to Washington to submit her resignation from Congress. She did so with true grit and a determination characterized by faith and courage.

3. Wendy Wayne - Community activist Wendy Wayne lost her battle with cancer in June.  She'd battled it before, and conquered it.  This time, she knew she was outmatched, and decided hers had been a life well-lived, and surrendered gracefully, making her final days and hours special for those dearest to her.  A grief-stricken community held tributes, and established everlasting memorials in the name of the woman who was as much a treasure to Bakersfield and Kern County as she treasured her community.Wendy's journey taught us about the power in the pillars of strength and resolve.

THE WORST OF 2012:

1. The Device:  IPad, Ipod, Iphone, Smartphone - whatever the alias, the mobile device could not outsmart bad manners.  If only there was an app for that!  The virtual distraction still took the place of too many face-to-face conversations. Upgrades only downgraded our real-time interaction with one another to the point that 2012 may be worst remembered for the year we stopped talking to each other. The Gadget also served as a cautionary tale, that what happens in Vegas DOESN'T stay in Vegas,  even if you are an heir to the British throne caught with your pants down in a royal flush of embarrassment exposing the crown jewels.

2. The Dismissiveness and Dismissed:  Vice President Joe Biden's debate with Congressman Paul Ryan made for some great political theater, but it also exposed Biden's raw hot buttons and inability to contain himself within the confines of a setting where decorum should have been the abiding rule.  His ticket may have been re-elected, but his lack of disrespect for his debate partner before a global television audience was not deserving of four more years. Here's hoping he can channel his inner pit bull as he wades into the national debate on gun violence. 
    In this economy, still crawling its way back from its own fiscal cliff, job layoffs are still common.  They are unpleasant for everyone involved.  But perhaps no demotion played itself out on the national stage more painfully than NBC's mishandling of the Today Show's Ann Curry and her reassignment.  The backlash continues against the network, its venerable morning show, and its star Matt Lauer, widely considered to have placed the knife into his co-host's back. See #3 above.

3.  Pajama Partiers: There was a time when sleepwear never saw the light of day outside the confines of one's residence. Probably the same era before cellular phones and the internet.  Today, it seems to be the rule, not the exception - wearing pajamas in public. Never a good look, and always in poor taste.  I can't help but wonder what will be next?

4.  The Litterbug:  Back for the second year in a row, the Litterbug was more like an infestation, especially in Kern County.  Parking lots, auditorium seats and roadways were used as trash cans with increased frequency.  Littering is a violation of local ordinances, and the ultimate sign of disrespect to our beautiful community. I heard too many complaints from out-of-towners who were aghast at the debris that littered the on and off ramps to our highways. Let's exterminate the Litterbug infestation in 2013!

5. The Famous Behaving Infamously:  Besides the usual suspects like Lindsay Lohan, there were others who once again gave celebrity a black eye. Olivier Martinez gave Halle Berry's ex, Gabriel Aubry a shiner on Thanksgiving day, Angust Jones threw his own meal ticket - the hit TV show "Two and a Half Men" under the bus, actress Kristen Stewart felt compelled to purge herself of the secret the "Twilight" star had been harboring, her affair with her "Snow White and Huntsman" director, and Stanley Cup goalie Tim Thomas' inexplicably decided to turn down an invitation from the White House. Memo to all of the above:  Your adoring fans are watching. Think FIRST before speaking, slugging or snubbing! 

KIDS _____THE DARNDEST THINGS

   Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby were right: Kids, even famous ones, say the darndest things. Add a couple more verbs, and you have the trilogy of bad form that played itself out - where else - in headlines and online this past week.
   Angus Jones, the young actor from "Two and a Half Men", infamously referred to his bread and butter job as "filth" in an online video that has since gone viral, encouraging viewers to turn the channel from the hit television show that is Jones' meal ticket.
   Where was his mama?  Unless he knew he'd have the winning powerball ticket, why throw your own job under the bus? Had he thought for a second, which obviously he didn't, about the potential long-term consequences of his ill-advised exercise at freedom of speech, maybe he wouldn't have SAID the darndest of things.
   Perhaps he was taking a cue from another youngster, Justin Bieber, who WORE the darndest thing when meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister. I like that kid. I spend every weekday morning with him and my swooning teenager in the car on the way to school, but again, I wondered, where was his mama?
  A small army of people make a lot of money protecting the Biebermachine, his brand and image. Wasn't there ONE person in his circle of handlers that thought the Biebermeister might look better in a collared shirt instead of overalls, and undone at that?  Dear Mr. Greenjeans: Your fame may eclipse that of the prime minister, but it shouldn't be an excuse to disrespect the Canadian leader by leaving decorum back in the dressing room and WEARING the darndest of things.
   And finally, this three-ringed circus of bad behavior wouldn't be complete without perennial problem child Lindsay Lohan, a human magnet for trouble, who this week again found herself in hot water by allegedly DOING the darndest of things in the pre-dawn darkness at a New York City nightclub.  Accused of punching a patron, I wondered again where her mama was? I know, probably down the street at another club.  Even Liz Taylor knew that NOTHIING good happens at 4 a.m. at a NYC nightclub!
    If these overgrown kids, idolized for their fame and antics, had only thought before speaking (into a video camera), looked in a full-length mirror, or hailed a cab after last call like nice (not mean) girls do, they'd be doing a great service to the legions of fans who follow them like puppy dogs, and no doubt now have the mixed message that speaking your mind, wearing what you want, and settling disputes with limbs doesn't matter.  
   News flash: It 'MANNERS' a lot!
   Wonder what Linkletter and Cosby would think?

FEAST ON FAMILY, NOT FEUDING

   Thanksgiving is like the marriage vow:   For better or for worse.
   In the coming hours, family and friends will descend upon us like the coming of the Locusts. We will greet one another with voices pitched so high that animals in neighboring counties will hear, like an old 78 RPM record on a carb-high. And as sure as there will be pumpkin pie on the dessert buffet, someone will say something that may offend somebody else, and the people we couldn't wait to see may be hurling verbal molotov-cocktails at each other. 
    For some reason this holiday, more so than any other, tends to bring out the best and the worst in people. Maybe it is the absence of gifts and colored eggs, or the presence of too many adult beverages mixed with heaping amounts of utopia-like expectations.
    If you are hosting friends and relatives, remember that you set the tone. Don't fret over what is over-cooked.  Frankly, it is the coming together with the people we love that matters most.
    If someone else is putting on the spread, be a good guest and bring along a nice bottle of wine - you'll be granted immunity.
     This year my wonderful sister-in-law will host our family - the size of a football team:  2% her side, 98% ours. I am grateful for her hospitality - and plumbing.
      Thanksgiving has its own awkwardness, and all the ripe and ready ingredients for some ribbing, rubbing the wrong way or stepping on toes. But it doesn't have to devolve into an episode of Family Feud.
      Carve out time to engage in authentic conversations with people whom you haven't seen in some time, offer to help, and feast on the blessings of family, friends, health and prosperity - afterall, "It 'Manners' A lot"!
  

DEBATE OVER DISMISSIVENESS

    Last night's vice-presidential debate may have provided great political theater, but it also served up a wonderful lesson on the importance of the art of listening on a silver platter, especially for law professors, and mock trial and debate coaches everywhere. 
   To be clear, this blog is NOT about partisan politics. I enjoyed every second of the 90-minute debate. It was engaging, thought-provoking, and terrific public speaking.  And at its conclusion, at least one thing was crystal clear: Paul Ryan is a dead-ringer for Eddie Munster.
  But it was also an hour-and-a-half of cringe-worthy live television.  Reportedly both sides had been prepping meticulously in the days leading up to the debate. But surely NO ONE coached vice president Biden on the type of behavior he couldn't seem to keep a lid on last night.
   At times, dismissive and condescending, his inability to listen to congressman Ryan in silence without rolling his eyeballs, giggling or smirking became this circus' side-show. Even first-year lawyers with no trial experience know not to react the way Biden did when opposing counsel is up at bat!
   At first, the bad form could be chalked up to the vice president being, well, very Biden-esque. His reputation precedes him.  But it wasn't long before his reactions when the congressman was responding were just  plain rude. I for one, was embarassed for him.
    By the end of the boxing match, the substance the two sparred over was overshadowed by the way the vice president conducted himself on the national stage. 
   The. Vice. President! 
   Effective communication, conversation and civilized disagreement hinge not just on the words spoken, but on how they are absorbed as well. The art of being a good, polite, and gracious listener is waning these days. We see it across all media platforms. 
  But a passionate and lively debate is one thing. Habitually interrupting, mocking and laughing as the other person is speaking is really bad manners. It is juvenile and unbecoming, especially from someone a heart beat away from the highest office in the land. Too bad Mr. Biden didn't extend Paul Ryan the courtesy of being a polite listener as the congressman had.  
     Today, all sides are claiming victory, with the exception of social graces, which sadly, came out the biggest loser in last night's fiery display of bad form. Memo to Mr. Vice-President:  It really DOES 'Manner' A lot!
  

ROYAL FLUSH OF EMBARRASSMENT

The House of Windsor is no stranger to the royal flush of embarrassment resulting from leaked illicit recordings: Prince Andrew's ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson was caught on tape trying to elicit a bribe in exchange for access to her former husband; the late Princess Diana's clandestine telephone calls with a lover were intercepted and detailed by the British tabloids for all the world to read. So when photographs of her son, Prince Harry, surfaced this week, confirming that what happens in swanky suites in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas, it should have come as no real surprise. Embarrassing, yes. Shocking, no.
What was he thinking many wondered? I doubt he was, as he stood in his birthday suit, cuping the crown jewels. Royals are supposed to have handlers around to think those scenarios through FOR them. Apparently his security detail was asleep at the roulette wheel.
Hopefully, others will see his mortification as a cautionary tale in this digital age of instant snap-and-post where the underage beer pong and intimate lip-lock can be shared with the webiverse within seconds and without permission.
Remind your children, pre-teens and up, that they don't need to be famous to have their behavior captured by pixels and uploaded to the world-wide-web, where their wrong moves will live in infamy and haunt them for a long time.
Whether they are at a dance, fraternity exchange, or party, young people should be mindful that today's paparazzi need only a cell phone with a camera to catch someone in their worst candid camera moment.
Think of the internet - Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, like the front page of the morning paper or billboard at the busiest intersection in town. If you don't want to be pictured there doing something inappropriate, don't provide eager shutterbugs with the opportunities. Afterall, it 'Manners' A lot!

APRON STRINGS & HEARTSTRINGS

There is a bug making the rounds these days. Its symptoms are few, it isn't accompanied by fever, and there is no known cure. Onset can begin as early as summer camp, and usually peaks at the beginning of a new school year. Not everyone will be stricken, but chances are you or someone you know has been hit with a bout of homesickness, whether you've walked your youngest into first grade or moved a son or daughter into their college dorm room hundreds or thousands of miles away.
It's been 40 years since my mother took the 'baby' of the family to kindergarten. I can't remember what I had for lunch two days ago, but that morning is seered in my memory bank. There stood my mom, lips quivering, tears welling up. My sister stood motionless, like a deer caught in headlights.
This week that same little girl joined the growing ranks of baby-boomer empty-nesters, taking her baby to college a state away. We could have done a week's worth of laundry with the waterworks in our family the past couple of weeks. Had someone not known better, they would assume the college coed was being deployed to Afghanistan, or worse yet - Calabassas to live with the Kardashian clan. Who knew sending a loved-one off to the University of fill-in-the-blank would stir feelings akin to banishment in Siberia or crusing aboard Titanic?
There are so many emotions and layers of dynamics at play when the apron strings are loosened, the heart strings are tugged, and the nest is suddenly nothing more than twigs and branches, that it would take a year of Dr. Phil episodes to decode it all.
This much I do know, having walked down this well-worn path four years ago when we sent our oldest, a high school sophomore at the time, away to a military academy boarding school: I'm not sure whom the situation is tougher on, but like a great wave off Malibu, everyone will need to ride it out.
Some, like my sister, will do so clutching her youngest's ankles as her child heads to class; others will never even put the car in park long enough to wave goodbye.
A year ago, we loosened the apron strings even more, moving our collegian into his dormitory at Ole Miss, the pride and joy of the South, where 'hotty toddy' isn't a beverage, but a religious experience and the excitement and energy could power a third-world nation. Our emotional trip was marked by arguments in the school supply aisles of Walmart, disagreements over whether we were allowed inside the sacred dorm room (college kids need our money, but still view us as members of an alien nation), and verbal battles about the necessity of a small battalion of appliances for a room smaller than a futon.
In our case, we couldn't part company fast enough, and our exhasperation prooved a great distraction on the flight home, until we returned to our nest, and listened for sounds of life. Instead, we were greeted by the whir of our appliances and the computer.
Whether your child will be adjusting to elementary school or living away from home for the first time, how you react will set the tempo for them. If you are doubled over and grief-stricken, expect a similar reaction from your student. Talking positively about the excitement to come, reassuring your child that this new chapter is a wonderful thing, and that these days ahead will be some of life's 'best of times', will be the strongest medicine possible for homesickness, on your end and theirs.
And when everyone is feeling better, pat yourself on the back for a job well done. When birdies leave the nest, it is mom and dad who helped strengthened their wings. Then slip into a bubble bath and let Calgon take you away. Afterall, it 'manners' a lot!

CUSTOMER AWASH IN THOUGHTLESSNESS

Sometimes, blog ideas slap you in the face like a wet towel, as was the case earlier at the Clearwater Car Wash - a hand-wash joint on Ocean Highway between South Carolina's seafood capitol - Murrells Inlet - and the state's commercialism mecca - Myrtle Beach.
A gully-washer of a thunderstorm loomed overhead. The sound of rolling thunder competed with the noise from inside the cave of oversized brushes and water works. The humidity promised a free wash for everyone.
The young man ahead of us was finally hailed over to his clean, grime-free SUV. A newer model. Like a Mars rover. Not the hillbilly wagon we were waiting to reclaim.
I worried those poor saps, dripping wet in the heat, polishing and wiping down cars, were going to keel over like the Olympic marathon walker last weekend. You just knew they'd rather be making smoothies up the road at Sonic. These hand-wash operators deserve every nickel of their tip - especially if it is a larger vehicle.
Curious as to whether the SUV's owner was going to reward the cleaner with a few bills, I watched as he approached his car, obviously his pride and joy. What happened next ultimately had my daughter and me doubled over in laughter, and then disappointment.
Mr. OCD inspected his vehicle with military precision, circling the wagon and pointing out a smudge here and a missed swipe there. Then his inspection focused on the interior. Oy. Every fiber of the carpeting was given the once over by this guy, while the car wash detail team stood by, aghast. Minutes rolled by to closing time. Mr. Obsessive-Compulsive grabbed a towel, apparently thinking it best to instruct these poor fellows on how to clean HIS car properly, as he waved the cloth in the air like a conductor.
Someone drag him over to our vehicle. He'd be horrified. Have a couple of kids. You won't be able to tell the difference between an inferior car wash and crayon marks.
The detail crew stood by, helpless. Was this a candid camera moment, perhaps? Unfortunately not. The owner of the vehicle proceeded to lift the hatch, and pull out his own cleaning supplies? Whah?! Either this guy is wound tighter than a fan belt, or the heat index has affected his thinking.
There is a myriad of items in the back of our vehicle - rusty beach chairs, an empty oil container, limbless dolls, but auto detail supplies are not included! He could have saved himself $17.99.
After the detail dance came to an end, and I prepared to gladly hand over my money to our wash boy, who looked as if he'd run through the sprinklers, I expected Mr. OCD to do the same.
Nope. Nada. Zippo.
Instead, the young SUV owner, upon green-lighting his own inspection, hopped into the car and sped away. I'm not sure what was worse, his insensitivity to the sweat and labor the boys had put into polishing his car, or his failure to tip them.
"I need a drink of water," the exhausted and deflated detail guy said as he walked by.
I think he just needed a drink!
Everywhere we turn these days, someone has a tip container at the ready, eager to be rewarded for doing next to nothing. There are plenty of self-services that don't merit a monetary appreciation. But the worker-bee who wipes down your car from bumper to bumper, inside and out, most certainly deserves a tip. Afterall, it 'manners' a lot!