What a week it's been in the wasteland of social graces: From a refusal to make the customary sportsman-like handshake, a reported Presidential snub and an inhospitable scolding with the index finger, to passing on a White House invite and pulling punches at a primary's political podium, incivility abounded. Champions of gracious behavior like me no doubt cringed at the tennis player who gave a cold shoulder rather than a handshake, the hockey puck who said 'no thanks' to an official invitation, Arizona's governor for what appeared to be the scolding of the commander-in-chief before the world's lenses, and if some reports are true, the President's own brush off. What was in the coffee these people were drinking this week?
And yet there, in the midst of all the bad form, was a petite woman with a pixie, struggling to ascend steps and speak in the nation's capitol, with a smile wider than the Mississippi river, reminding all of us of the indomitable spirit within. Watching Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, who nearly lost her life in an assassination attempt, deliver her resignation, victorious in her battle to live, was the very epitome of Amazing Grace. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi called Giffords "the brightest star among us." Pelosi went on to say "she has brought the word 'dignity' to new heights by her courage."
And like Giffords, Friday's front page of The Bakersfield Californian featured the poignant photograph of a young man in the prime of his life, now at death's door, who was gifted, through the generosity of a loving community, the opportunity to put memories on file for loved ones. Amazing. Grace.
Too often on this blog and elsewhere, these 'lights' of hope and promise don't receive the attention they deserve. It it is easier to focus on the 'lemons' of a celebrity behaving badly rather than the 'lemonade' of the truly beautiful people in our midst.
May the Jose Gameros and Gabby Giffords inspire all of us to treasure the beauty of life, and of the amazing grace of valiance and bravery.
After all, it REALLY does 'Manner A lot'!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
GOALIE'S 'ICE OUT' GALLING
What a display of distaste from Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas yesterday in snubbing the President of the United States by NOT attending a White House event celebrating the 2011 Stanley Cup winners. That's right - NOT attending! Talk about a major foul. I won't dignify his reasoning by reprinting it here. In a statement Thomas said he was exercising his right as a free citizen and blathered on about it being a choice he HAD to make as an individual. Really? Swap out this guy's MVP award with a trophy for being the highest scorer in the Bad Form Bowl.
As per Emily Post from her Blue Book of Social Usage's tenth edition, 'an invitation to lunch or dine at The White House is a command and automatically cancels any other engagement'. Period. Post goes on to write that 'there are very few acceptable excuses for refusing an invitation to The White House, and the reason must be stated in the note of regret - such as an extended absence in a foreign country, the recent death of a close relative, or actual illness.
Not accepting the invitation for anything short of that might be exercising one's freedom -which no one is arguing against here - but is also the height of bad manners. An invitation from The White House is an honor and as coveted as they get.
The boycott was a slap in the face to the nation's Commander-in-Chief regardless of his political leanings, as well as a hockey stick smack up the side of the helmets of his teammates. The spotlight should have been on the Stanley Cup winners, not the player who was a 'no show'.
Besides, if the MVP is truly in such a lather over the state of the nation, presumably he would have had the perfect opportunity to 'bend' the President's ear for a minute or two about how to get America back in the game. If his 'ice out' of the man who occupies the highest office in the land was intended as a powerful protest, it fell far short of that goal. Tim Thomas gets my mvp title of Mr. Very Pitiful for disrespecting our nation's leader. What a puck! After all, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'!
As per Emily Post from her Blue Book of Social Usage's tenth edition, 'an invitation to lunch or dine at The White House is a command and automatically cancels any other engagement'. Period. Post goes on to write that 'there are very few acceptable excuses for refusing an invitation to The White House, and the reason must be stated in the note of regret - such as an extended absence in a foreign country, the recent death of a close relative, or actual illness.
Not accepting the invitation for anything short of that might be exercising one's freedom -which no one is arguing against here - but is also the height of bad manners. An invitation from The White House is an honor and as coveted as they get.
The boycott was a slap in the face to the nation's Commander-in-Chief regardless of his political leanings, as well as a hockey stick smack up the side of the helmets of his teammates. The spotlight should have been on the Stanley Cup winners, not the player who was a 'no show'.
Besides, if the MVP is truly in such a lather over the state of the nation, presumably he would have had the perfect opportunity to 'bend' the President's ear for a minute or two about how to get America back in the game. If his 'ice out' of the man who occupies the highest office in the land was intended as a powerful protest, it fell far short of that goal. Tim Thomas gets my mvp title of Mr. Very Pitiful for disrespecting our nation's leader. What a puck! After all, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
CONDOLENCES
As inevitable as death is, expressing our sorrow to someone who has lost a loved one remains difficult at best for most. So many people will struggle with what to say or how to say it that they never do it at all.
Don't let that paralyze you from extending compassion.
A condolence letter won't ease the heartache of the recipient, but it will give them a measure of comfort knowing they are in other people's thoughts and prayers.
That is where our sincere notes and letters come in. It is the worst time in a family's life, yet anyone who has walked that path will tell you how much the handwritten notes and letters meant to them.
While greeting card companies produce Sympathy cards, the occasion of the death of someone special absolutely calls for a handwritten note on personal stationary. Do not, under any circumstances, tweet, facebook message, or e-mail condolences.
The letter needn't be lengthy. A heartfelt expression of sorrow for their loss, followed by a personal remembrance including the name of the descedant is sufficient.
The letter should be written within several days of learning of the passing. Beyond two to three months, unless you've been living on the moon, is at expiration-status, too late and risking insensitivity.
On occasion, I will tuck a linen handkerchief into a note or have it hand-delivered for the recipient to place in their purse for use the day of the service. Often people remark that they'd never thought of a gesture so intimate.
Expressing condolences opens up a window of possibilities of ways to reach out, comfort, and console...whether it be handerchiefs or handmade pot pies.
This time-honored tradition is more than just a gesture of thoughtfulness, it is a way for us to connect, comfort and underscore the essence of civility. Afterall, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'.
Don't let that paralyze you from extending compassion.
A condolence letter won't ease the heartache of the recipient, but it will give them a measure of comfort knowing they are in other people's thoughts and prayers.
That is where our sincere notes and letters come in. It is the worst time in a family's life, yet anyone who has walked that path will tell you how much the handwritten notes and letters meant to them.
While greeting card companies produce Sympathy cards, the occasion of the death of someone special absolutely calls for a handwritten note on personal stationary. Do not, under any circumstances, tweet, facebook message, or e-mail condolences.
The letter needn't be lengthy. A heartfelt expression of sorrow for their loss, followed by a personal remembrance including the name of the descedant is sufficient.
The letter should be written within several days of learning of the passing. Beyond two to three months, unless you've been living on the moon, is at expiration-status, too late and risking insensitivity.
On occasion, I will tuck a linen handkerchief into a note or have it hand-delivered for the recipient to place in their purse for use the day of the service. Often people remark that they'd never thought of a gesture so intimate.
Expressing condolences opens up a window of possibilities of ways to reach out, comfort, and console...whether it be handerchiefs or handmade pot pies.
This time-honored tradition is more than just a gesture of thoughtfulness, it is a way for us to connect, comfort and underscore the essence of civility. Afterall, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
THE YEAR'S BEST & WORST
Since the debut of this blog, and its companion column in BakersfieldLifeMagazine in February of this year, the message of civility has quickly taken root, resonating with readers disgusted with the decline of social graces. The feedback, experiences and suggestions have been wonderful, reminding me that while I often feel I am swimming upstream on this mission, we are all in this boat together in our quest to restore civility. 2011 was a year chalked full of the best and worst in good behavior, in our own backyard and on the national stage. Pouring over the past twelve months of blogs and columns, there were strong contenders on both sides of the bad form fence. High-fives were in order for those motorists yielding the right of way to another driver, those who greeted strangers with a smile, and others who engaged in verbal eye-to-eye communication WITHOUT the use of an electronic device, to name a few. And there were plenty of lowlights we'd all rather forget as well, including the people who mistook roadways and parking lots for their own trash can, and others who thought nothing of engaging in spirited private phone conversations in public restroom stalls. My goal of initiating and continuing public discourse over the importance of civility, which really DOES 'Manner A lot', remains unchanged going into 2012. To the readers who have weighed in with their own questions and concerns, as well as ideas sent by e-mail and calls into CalifornianRadio, a heartfelt thanks for hopping aboard on this journey to restore social graces and a toast of the champagne glass to a more civil new year. With 2011 coming to a close, ItMannersAlot unwraps its inaugural list of winners and losers:
THE WORST OF 2011:
1. The Litterer. It became easier and easier this year to trash-talk this year's worst offender - Litterbugs on foot and on wheels. Nevermind that littering is a violation of local ordinances. The occurance of trash and dirty diapers being tossed out of moving vehicles, or disposed of in parking lots and movie theaters was appaling. This act of disrespect initiated public service campaigns aimed at heightening the community's awareness. And sadly, we're not alone. From coast to coast, other states and municipalities are battling the trash epidemic as well. ENOUGH already! Let's TRASH this bad community habit in 2012!
2. The Cell Phone. No question these ingenius devices made our life easier this year, but they also triggered the degeneration of our behavior. Not only was it the year we STOPPED talking to each other, except to tweet, text and twitter, but the public's obsession with the mobile phone and its interference with polite behavior moved but one text away from 9-1-1! Inappropriate use of the mobile phone led to distracted driving, made taking in a movie an unpleasant experience for some, and brought down the rising political career of at least one U.S. Congressman. Here's hoping users hang up, don't answer, and silence their devices in the new year until it is safe, quiet and private to talk, and leave photo sessions to the imagination.
3. Celebrities Behaving Badly. From Oregon coach Chip Kelly telling rabid Duck fans to shut up while in the midst of a post-game interview, to actor Alex Baldwin's less than friendly attempt to fly on American Airlines, by way of throwing Greyhound under the bus, and the high-def histrionics of Charlie Sheen, these high profile folks landed in the spotlight for the wrong reasons. But none more so than attention-a-holic Kim Kardashian, whose wedding to NBA player Kris Humphreys lasted fewer minutes than it takes to microwave a bag of popcorn, and certainly even less time than it took to have her makeup applied for the reality shoot of her nuptials. Even groundhogs suspected the joke was on us. But no one was laughing about Kardashian's major faux pas in NOT returning the wedding gifts, but opting instead to donate the monetary value of the presents to charity. Wha? Like them or loathe them, celebs like Kardashian who have hijacked the public spotlight are admired and looked up to, and should know better, whether aboard an airliner or in divorce court.
THE BEST OF 2011:
1. JAPAN'S QUAKE SURVIVORS & TUSCALOOSA RESIDENTS. Without out a doubt, the people of Japan, who survived the devastating 8.9 earthquake in March off the country's east coast, displayed unimaginable grace and compassion in embracing the human conditions resulting from the disaster. Tens of thousands were killed, even more were displaced, and the toll of human suffering remains incalculable. Although unitended, the victims taught the world a valuable lesson in empathy and mercy. The same could be said for the residents of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, who witnessed unbelievable devastation when a series of tornados tore through their community in April killing hundreds. The residents and survivors banded together to begin the healing, and inspired their neighbors in weather-stricken states around the country to do the same.
2. LAWAY ANGELS. Occupiers and Protestors grabbed headlines this year, yet, seemingly out of nowhere, angels appeared, most annonymous, in layaway departments of retail stores around the country. And in coffee and fast-food drive-throughs. What a beautiful movement of paying it forward and comitting conscious acts of kindness, without fanfare or recognition, in the true spirit of giving. May this be a growing trend in 2012.
3. The Royal Wedding. There were several royal nuptials this year, but ItMannersAlot sends a 'virtual' thank-you note to Prince William and his bride Kate. Their lavish union not only gave a global audience a reason to wake up early, but the occasion served as a glittery reminder to a new generation of brides and bridegrooms who will say 'I do' in 2012, as well as their bridal parties and guests, of the important role we all play in the pomp and pageantry surrounding one of life's most momentous occasions. From the obligation of giving a wedding present to responding to the invitation, the royals reminded us that all things big and small related to the marriage of two people really DO 'Manner A lot'.
THE WORST OF 2011:
1. The Litterer. It became easier and easier this year to trash-talk this year's worst offender - Litterbugs on foot and on wheels. Nevermind that littering is a violation of local ordinances. The occurance of trash and dirty diapers being tossed out of moving vehicles, or disposed of in parking lots and movie theaters was appaling. This act of disrespect initiated public service campaigns aimed at heightening the community's awareness. And sadly, we're not alone. From coast to coast, other states and municipalities are battling the trash epidemic as well. ENOUGH already! Let's TRASH this bad community habit in 2012!
2. The Cell Phone. No question these ingenius devices made our life easier this year, but they also triggered the degeneration of our behavior. Not only was it the year we STOPPED talking to each other, except to tweet, text and twitter, but the public's obsession with the mobile phone and its interference with polite behavior moved but one text away from 9-1-1! Inappropriate use of the mobile phone led to distracted driving, made taking in a movie an unpleasant experience for some, and brought down the rising political career of at least one U.S. Congressman. Here's hoping users hang up, don't answer, and silence their devices in the new year until it is safe, quiet and private to talk, and leave photo sessions to the imagination.
3. Celebrities Behaving Badly. From Oregon coach Chip Kelly telling rabid Duck fans to shut up while in the midst of a post-game interview, to actor Alex Baldwin's less than friendly attempt to fly on American Airlines, by way of throwing Greyhound under the bus, and the high-def histrionics of Charlie Sheen, these high profile folks landed in the spotlight for the wrong reasons. But none more so than attention-a-holic Kim Kardashian, whose wedding to NBA player Kris Humphreys lasted fewer minutes than it takes to microwave a bag of popcorn, and certainly even less time than it took to have her makeup applied for the reality shoot of her nuptials. Even groundhogs suspected the joke was on us. But no one was laughing about Kardashian's major faux pas in NOT returning the wedding gifts, but opting instead to donate the monetary value of the presents to charity. Wha? Like them or loathe them, celebs like Kardashian who have hijacked the public spotlight are admired and looked up to, and should know better, whether aboard an airliner or in divorce court.
THE BEST OF 2011:
1. JAPAN'S QUAKE SURVIVORS & TUSCALOOSA RESIDENTS. Without out a doubt, the people of Japan, who survived the devastating 8.9 earthquake in March off the country's east coast, displayed unimaginable grace and compassion in embracing the human conditions resulting from the disaster. Tens of thousands were killed, even more were displaced, and the toll of human suffering remains incalculable. Although unitended, the victims taught the world a valuable lesson in empathy and mercy. The same could be said for the residents of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, who witnessed unbelievable devastation when a series of tornados tore through their community in April killing hundreds. The residents and survivors banded together to begin the healing, and inspired their neighbors in weather-stricken states around the country to do the same.
2. LAWAY ANGELS. Occupiers and Protestors grabbed headlines this year, yet, seemingly out of nowhere, angels appeared, most annonymous, in layaway departments of retail stores around the country. And in coffee and fast-food drive-throughs. What a beautiful movement of paying it forward and comitting conscious acts of kindness, without fanfare or recognition, in the true spirit of giving. May this be a growing trend in 2012.
3. The Royal Wedding. There were several royal nuptials this year, but ItMannersAlot sends a 'virtual' thank-you note to Prince William and his bride Kate. Their lavish union not only gave a global audience a reason to wake up early, but the occasion served as a glittery reminder to a new generation of brides and bridegrooms who will say 'I do' in 2012, as well as their bridal parties and guests, of the important role we all play in the pomp and pageantry surrounding one of life's most momentous occasions. From the obligation of giving a wedding present to responding to the invitation, the royals reminded us that all things big and small related to the marriage of two people really DO 'Manner A lot'.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Holiday Brief
They are starting to pile up: The greetings within the greetings. The annual zeroxed update from friends and family that is as dreaded as the stale fruit cake. If you don't send one, you've no doubt already received some - the holiday newsletter. This is the time of year when we reconnect with family and friends near and far and welcome the updates on their lives. But if an Emily Post Institute survey is any indication, the jury is still out on these photo-copied summaries. The survey showed that 53% like them and 47% do not.
Those holiday briefs, some longer than legal motions, don't have to be one long run-on sentence, single-spaced tomes covering the front and back of several sheets of paper. While there are no formal rules about this popular holiday greeting, thankfully tips abound for creating one that won't be set aside until after the holidays when recipients have more time to read them. Above all else, keep it brief. Two to three paragraphs max on ONE side should cover the year's highlights (and low-lights). Try to keep it light. If the letter includes a chronic illness or the passing of a loved one, details are not necessary. Same goes for your 12 day cruise to Alaska. Everyone has a general idea of what you were served on the ship. There's no need to use the holiday newsletter to journal your adventure. Stay positive and sprinkle in some humor. Avoid the temptation to belabor the hurdles your family faced this year. Share exciting news, but don't boast. If someone received a raise, there is no need to give specific amounts. Keep in mind who will be reading the newsletter as well, and to whom the letter should be sent. If the family dentist and pediatrician are on your holiday card list, there probably isn't a need to insert the newsletter. And remember to have fun. Engage your children in designing the letter's border. In this age of Facebook where every day is a mini-newsletter of sorts, make your holiday apprisal an enjoyable read for everyone on your list. Afterall, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'.
Those holiday briefs, some longer than legal motions, don't have to be one long run-on sentence, single-spaced tomes covering the front and back of several sheets of paper. While there are no formal rules about this popular holiday greeting, thankfully tips abound for creating one that won't be set aside until after the holidays when recipients have more time to read them. Above all else, keep it brief. Two to three paragraphs max on ONE side should cover the year's highlights (and low-lights). Try to keep it light. If the letter includes a chronic illness or the passing of a loved one, details are not necessary. Same goes for your 12 day cruise to Alaska. Everyone has a general idea of what you were served on the ship. There's no need to use the holiday newsletter to journal your adventure. Stay positive and sprinkle in some humor. Avoid the temptation to belabor the hurdles your family faced this year. Share exciting news, but don't boast. If someone received a raise, there is no need to give specific amounts. Keep in mind who will be reading the newsletter as well, and to whom the letter should be sent. If the family dentist and pediatrician are on your holiday card list, there probably isn't a need to insert the newsletter. And remember to have fun. Engage your children in designing the letter's border. In this age of Facebook where every day is a mini-newsletter of sorts, make your holiday apprisal an enjoyable read for everyone on your list. Afterall, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
EATIN' & GREETIN'
If you aren't knee-deep in potato skins, plates and pie tins right now, then you will be a welcomed guest in a few hours at the holiday table of family or friends. On behalf of the legions of hostesses the world over, I'm carving up some important reminders EVERY dinner guest SHOULD keep in mind today when saddling up to the Thanksgiving table. Afterall, it really DOES 'Manner A lot':
* Greet one another with warmth and sincerity, and count your blessings - many today will be out in the cold or at home alone.
* Leave ALL gadgets at home or in the car. Ipods and cellphones aren't utensils and will not get the turkey and gravy from the platter to your plate with ease.
*Say grace - no matter your beliefs, and count your blessing that you live in a country where freedom of speech and expression is a right.
*Engage in conversation with each other - you may not have seen each other for a long time, and may never see them again.
*Don't play with your food - count your blessings again, as many today will go hungry.
*Thank your hostess for the blessing of good food, companionship and good times.
* Greet one another with warmth and sincerity, and count your blessings - many today will be out in the cold or at home alone.
* Leave ALL gadgets at home or in the car. Ipods and cellphones aren't utensils and will not get the turkey and gravy from the platter to your plate with ease.
*Say grace - no matter your beliefs, and count your blessing that you live in a country where freedom of speech and expression is a right.
*Engage in conversation with each other - you may not have seen each other for a long time, and may never see them again.
*Don't play with your food - count your blessings again, as many today will go hungry.
*Thank your hostess for the blessing of good food, companionship and good times.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
BE THANKFUL...AND THOUGHTFUL...
I have always loved the day-before Thanksgiving. I remember the drives to Grandmother's house up Highway 99 in the fog, my sisters and I in the backseat that had become a makeshift futon. Amazing how resourceful our father was with plywood back then. Years later as a television news reporter, I coveted the night-before-Thanksgiving requisite live shot from the Palm Street overpass. Beneath me, a bumper-to-bumper carpet of headlights and tailights. The travel, or coverage of it, always signaled the beauty of Thanksgiving and eagerness to be with the ones we love. Unfortunately, not everyone's trip to the table Thursday will be wrapped in warm experiences. An estimated 23 million people are expected to take to the sky within the next ten days, still making it the busiest travel day of the year. It will also be among the most uncivil. If that includes you, make sure to pack plenty of patience. Longtime friend and former Bakersfield resident Kathy Eddy, who now lives in Fairhope, Alabama with her husband, former KC District Attorney's office investigator Howard Eddy and their two boys, shared some useful advice recently which she had gleaned from interviews with airline officials, travel agents and seasoned parents when she worked at Meadows Field about flying with children. "One mom said Benedryl is a 'must.' Taking something to make your child sleep is proactive and a relief to other passengers. If you do not take something to make your child sleep, do not schedule a flight during the child's normal nap time because they will not sleep on a plane. Ok, maybe they will, but not without a lot of fussing first," Kathy wrote.
She added that toys, snacks, a favorite blanket, bottles and pacifiers are all appropriate as well. The sucking works the way chewing gum does for adults.
"One mom told me that during her business career (pre-kids) she hated flying with children who screamed. She went prepared for her first flight with her daughter. She visited the pediatrician and got sleeping drops. At her stop-over, she bought herself a glass of wine and gave the baby the sleeping drops. When she arrived at her mother's house on the other side of the country, she pulled out the sleeping drops and said, 'We'd never have made it without these'. Only then did she notice she had accidentally packed the baby's vitamins rather than the sleeping drops. Morale of the story - sometimes it is the uptight parent who projects frustration onto the child."
I've chimmed in on air travel before, tomorrow and in the coming weeks it is especially important to remember that it still is a mode of PUBLIC transportation where we all have to share and respect each other's space. EVERYONE is in a rush. Extend a little courtesy - like surrendering the arm rest or the extra space in the overhead compartment, or grabbing the overweight bag from the luggage belt for the elderly traveler. Let the words 'thank you' roll off your tongue frequently like bags coming down the chute. Be thankful for the blessings of health, family and the ability to travel, and in turn, be thoughtful and courteous with your fellow passengers. Afterall, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'.
She added that toys, snacks, a favorite blanket, bottles and pacifiers are all appropriate as well. The sucking works the way chewing gum does for adults.
"One mom told me that during her business career (pre-kids) she hated flying with children who screamed. She went prepared for her first flight with her daughter. She visited the pediatrician and got sleeping drops. At her stop-over, she bought herself a glass of wine and gave the baby the sleeping drops. When she arrived at her mother's house on the other side of the country, she pulled out the sleeping drops and said, 'We'd never have made it without these'. Only then did she notice she had accidentally packed the baby's vitamins rather than the sleeping drops. Morale of the story - sometimes it is the uptight parent who projects frustration onto the child."
I've chimmed in on air travel before, tomorrow and in the coming weeks it is especially important to remember that it still is a mode of PUBLIC transportation where we all have to share and respect each other's space. EVERYONE is in a rush. Extend a little courtesy - like surrendering the arm rest or the extra space in the overhead compartment, or grabbing the overweight bag from the luggage belt for the elderly traveler. Let the words 'thank you' roll off your tongue frequently like bags coming down the chute. Be thankful for the blessings of health, family and the ability to travel, and in turn, be thoughtful and courteous with your fellow passengers. Afterall, it really DOES 'Manner A lot'.
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