2013's BEST & WORST

    Since this blog's inception three years ago, the final  days of the year always call for pause and reflection on the previous 12 months - the good, the bad and the ugly in human behavior and social graces. Again this year, there were plenty of candidates for all three categories. There were remarkable displays of kindness and human spirits worth celebrating. And sadly, there were also crass and vulgar acts we'd just as soon forget. 
     ItMannersAlot has always been about much more than the butter knives and salad forks. Moving into 2014, it will continue to shine a bright light on the importance of social graces and civility. And with that, here is one last look back at the Best and the Worst of 2013!

THE BEST IN OUR MIDST

1.  Dignity Health's Humankindness Campaign.  The national health care organizations's multi-million dollar marketing campaign served big doses of the simplest of medicines: Be kind to one another. Genius. Countless studies already show the health benefits of being nice to each other.  Dignity hopes humankindness will  become a household word. Already, its massive billboards are giving motorists some food for thought and employees within the organization are putting the call into action and encouraging others to share their random acts of thoughtfulness on humankindness.org.

2.  Our Community's Trash Detectives.  The dumping of trash and litter remains an epidemic in Kern County, despite the availability of garbage receptacles big and small at every turn. And the debate continues on what lies at the root of the growing problem - cultural, education. Regardless, it persists, and thankfully, there are those in our midst who are fed up and refuse to tolerate it any more. The woman on her morning walk tossing a discarded diaper BACK into the offender's vehicle. The shopper in the parking lot reminding a litterbug that there is a trash can nearby. The volunteers who regularly pickup trash near the bike path and river banks, without compensation or fanfare. Their reward is knowing their part of the community is a little neater and nicer.

3.  The Bakersfield High School and Bakersfield Christian High School football teams.  Bravo to these two teams of athletes who reached the pinnacles of their game in division contests. Bakersfield Christian lost, and BHS took their state title, but both teams epitomized the very best of our community and good sportsmanship. Professional athletes could learn a thing or two from these terrific young players!

4.  Bakersfield Symphony Conductor John Farrer.  In his 38th and final year as Musical Director of the beloved arts organization, Maestro Farrer will wave his baton one last time as director at the end of the 2013-2014 season come May. His relationship with the Symphony will continue, but it will be hard to imagine a concert without his masterful direction. A hallmark of Bakersfield's arts community, Farrer has exuded class and elegance with every nod, especially during BSO's period of transition. We are all the richer for it.

5.  The Volunteer.  From the animal lovers in our community who try to fill in the gaps between the animal shelter services and connect people with their lost pets through the use of social media, the many people who helped launch the inaugural, and wildly successful Nut Festival, those green thumbs who helped the Tree Foundation plant trees in the downtown Arts District, and the many people who cooked and donated for St. Vincent de Paul Homeless Center's first BBQ, attended by some 800 community members raising upwards of $70,000 for the center - astonishing by anyone's standards - the volunteers in our midst underscored why Bakersfield is truly beautiful.

THE WORST IN OUR MIDST

1.  The Trash-a-holics. Despite ambitious local public service campaigns, many people still don't get the message. Their disregard for the community is evident alongside highways 58, 99 and 178 and in parks and parking lots from one side of town to the other. Shame on all of them. It takes but a second to properly dispose of garbage. This is the 3rd year in the row the Litterbug has landed on this list of the best of the worst. Hope springs eternal. May it be the LAST!

2. Congress.  The stubbornness among politicians on Capitol Hill reached a new low this past fall with the government shutdown. Non essential workers were furloughed, staying at home twiddling their idle thumbs while congress argued and bickered over the budget and debt ceiling. And we constituents payed top tax dollars for this pathetic customer service. Really. bad. form.

3.  Anthony Weiner. Just in case there were disbelievers the first time the disgraced New York politician professed repentance after his sexting scandal, Weiner returned with more embarrassment for his supporters and family. This time, wife Huma blamed herself. Women's eyeballs could be heard rolling backward 'round the world. Thankfully, voters denied him another seat in office.

4.  Kern County 5th District Supervisor Leticia Perez.  Elected in 2012 to represent the district, Perez almost immediately began looking for greener pastures in a special election race to fill the 16th California Senate seat vacated by Michael Rubio. Whoah! In high school there was a term for girls like that who moved on to the next best thing faster than you could say gym class, and it wasn't flattering. It seemed like really bad form to sincerely court the voters of the 5th District, rake in thousands of dollars in campaign contributions, and then just a few months into the gig have a sudden change of heart when a better looking 'suitor' came calling. In announcing her run for supervisor, candidate Perez said the voters of the district should not pick a supervisor who used "political loopholes", a reference to her opponent, Karen Goh, who was appointed to the seat by former Governor Schwarzenegger. Perez argued that voters should judge the candidates “by how deep the roots of a candidate reach into the earth of the district.”

   Political loopholes looked a lot like rungs on the ladders eager politicians like Ms. Perez couldn't keep from climbing. And it appeared those roots in the 'earth of the district', didn't run deep enough. But Christmas came early to the 5th District. Perez lost the special election, and in her defense, she appears to be settling in nicely into the role as county supervisor. I predict she'll do admirable things in the coming year, as the experience no doubt left a lasting impression.

5.  Celebs Behaving Badly. Again.  They keep social media tabloids like TMZ in business, but I for one am exhausted by the never-ending train wreck of celebrities behaving badly. Alec Baldwin joins the list this year. His foul-mouthed angry rants at anyone who looks in his direction are creepy scary. No wonder his much-anticipated talk show was canned.  Then there was once sweet Miley Cyrus, twerking her way up the most-talked about list for all the wrong reasons. She's too old to be spanked and put in time out for the next year or so, but I for one would like to see her expand her repertoire into more ladylike fare and keep her Gene Simmons-esque tongue in her mouth. And finally, Lindsay Lohan can't get off this list to save her life. This year her escapades included fibbing to law enforcement and arriving late for court appearances. Big no nos in anyone's book. No one has thrown the book at her yet. Here's hoping Oprah can help put this once-promising young actress back on the right track in 2014.

Thank you for your continued readership of this blog.  Best wishes for a new year filled with health, happiness and heaps of civility. Afterall, ITMANNERSALOT!

HUMANKINDNESS: The Gift That Will Keep On Giving!

There is a giant billboard facing eastbound motorists on Rosedale Highway that has Bakersfield drivers doing a double take.

No, not the one with the bicycle begging to be recycled.

"Kindness Has Zero Carbs."

This one had me at the word 'Kindness'.

Those four simple words strung together on the Dignity Health sign west of Costco are catching people's attention in a big way, which is exactly what the San Francisco-based health organization is aiming for. Towering advertisements enticing us to move to a new residential development or attend an upcoming concert, we are used to. But kindness? 

It may take some motorists miles before the message sinks in. But I for one think it is brilliant and wish i'd thought of it. Save me a seat on this bandwagon.

More than just a catchy media blitz, Dignity is taking the ambitious $11 million dollar advertising campaign seriously by putting, what they say, is humanity back into health care. Whether it ever left, or if so, where it went, is subject to interpretation. But in the midst of a national discourse on the dollars and cents and tech missteps of Obamacare, the novel campaign highlighting acts of kindness, however grand or slight, through stories shared on its website – hellohumankindness.org, hopes to start a conversation prompting people to behave better and connect with one another in a more compassionate way.

And the effort doesn't come a moment too soon. According to a survey on Civility in America, 86% of responders say they have been on the receiving end of some sort of incivility. Is the decline of good manners the new norm? Dignity says no way and I can't stop applauding. Bravo!

Besides, countless studies have already told us that being nicer, kinder and more gentle with each other can be a potent dose of medicine in lowering blood pressure, warding off illnesses and aiding in the healing process.

The stories shared on the movement's website are inspiring: A rescuer who braved choppy waters and risked his own life to save another, a good Samaritan who helped a stranded stranger in need, and a surprise for a family shopping at Target whose entire cart full of items was paid for by someone else.

There have been calls to acts of caring before, most notably Bakersfield's Dr. Chuck Wall and his Random Acts of Kindness campaign launched 20 years ago. Dignity hopes humankindness will become a household word.

But why not just plaster billboards with boasts of shorter ER wait times, fancier delivery rooms and cutting-edge medical equipment? “Some have questioned what this campaign has to do with health care,” says Dignity's local Director of Strategic Marketing, Robin Mangarin Scott. “We are proud to say 'it is different'. If we can use a human connection to inspire a stronger and healthier world, then what is the harm in that?”

Already, officials with Memorial and Mercy Hospitals say they have seen the call to treat one another nicely within their hallways and among their employees. “Something special is happening. The people who work here are listening and holding themselves accountable to the brand,” Mangarin Scott says. “We all know that sharing humankindness is great on paper, but when it is shared through actions, it can hold the power to heal and help others in ways that extend beyond health care.”

While modern medicine will always hold the ability to cure, let us all become more attune to the human conditions and opportunities that present themselves every day to extend compassion and reconnect with humanity, not just during the holiday season, but throughout the year. Perhaps Desmond Tutu said it best: “Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” Humankindness will truly be the gift that keeps on giving.

       

Best wishes for a Christmas rich in time spent with loved ones, and a year ahead filled with health, happiness and all that 'MANNERS A LOT'! 

WEDDED THANKS!

    It has been some time since the last post on this blog. Life, including milestones like weddings, has a habit of getting in the way. In the past year, we were honored to witness the unions of some special young people, including one at a venue two states away, and another not far from home. Our connection to two of these events was by way of the parents of the two grooms. Not intimate friends, but friendly enough to score invites. This was a bonanza year for us as wedding guests and gift givers. 
    It had been awhile since I shopped wedding registries.What an eye opener that was. 24 years ago when I walked down the aisle, it would have been considered gauche to 'ask' for such gifts as money and furniture. But that train has left the station, and like it or not, I hopped on board.
    But one thing I will never be unwedded to: Thank You notes! If someone takes the time and makes the expense of purchasing a gift, acknowledge the thoughtful gesture. Not by e-mail. Not by text. Not just verbally. And not in a printed letter, but in a handwritten note. Considered old fashioned by today's social media standards? Probably. But it's high time some of these time-honored customs were hammered back into the social mindset of brides and grooms tying the knot these days.
    The honeymoon probably wasn't even over for the out of state couple before their thank you letter, obviously printed on their computer, arrived. Sigh. We weren't the only guests who had traveled a great distance at considerable expense to witness their nuptials. At least they thanked us, which I appreciate, but how much more thoughtful it would have been had the notes been handwritten. It reminded me of the days when our children were little, and could barely write their name on the fill-in-the-blank thank you notes I insisted they complete. But they were four years old! Not approaching their forties!
    The other couple, whom we run into with some regularity around town, must still be on their extended honeymoon. Perhaps the acknowledgement of our gift to them will arrive in the new year, near their first wedding anniversary!
    Thank you notes STILL 'Manner A lot' in my book - the old fashioned kind, handwritten from start to finish.
   
   

OH BABY!

    Now that the Duchess of Cambridge has been 'delivered of a son', as they say across the pond, has posed with the newly minted Lord of the Manor and his  father Wills for the obligatory photo-op, and headed for home, whichever castle that may be, it is time to open the wrought iron gates to the flood of well-intended advice, all of it unsolicited, that will roll through the palace doors in the coming days.
    Kate hasn't asked, but I'm offering, my tried and true, well-worn golden nuggets of parenting advice to help her get her high-heeled footing back in these early days as a family of three.
    1. First, and most important of all - sleep. I know, every mother was gifted this priceless piece of advice, and everyone I know, including myself, disregarded it. Who sleeps when the little prince is  snoozing and there is laundry to do and bills to catch up on.
     22 years later, I wish I had slept for days after the birth of our Alexander.  I didn't know then that laundry mutates, and will ALWAYS be there. Ironically, the sleep deprivation was the first thing I forgot when I had our two princesses.  The Duchess may not opt for a nanny, but for the love of God and country Kate, use the night nurses, your mother, Camilla, the Queen, and any other Lord or Lady in waiting willing to hold his royal highness while you catch up on your beauty sleep, even if someone else pays the bills and folds the laundry.
    2.  Ditch the bulky diaper bag. Don't even think of picking one up. I had dozens, in the cutest of colors and designs. Even the pockets had pockets.  Young mothers today are risking shoulder injury as they lug those things around. How many baggies of cheerios, fishies, bottles of formula, diapers, extra changes of clothing, teething rings and toys will Prince Cambridge need? Isn't that what the Court Jesters are for?
   3.  Save the family photographs for the royal archives, not Instagram or Twitter. As your young royal will soon find out, social media will be useful and fun, but even an adoring nation of subjects will tire of every little burp and bump with hashtags. It's too soon now, but at some point, when he's approaching his pre-teens, sit him down for a chat about his uncle Harry's infamous romp with a camera in Las Vegas.
   4.  His Royal Highness won't break. I promise. Oh sure, there may be a torn ligament or fractured limb down the road after a fierce polo match, but relax as his adoring grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins fawn over him like a piece of English bone china from great-great-Queen Victoria's hutch. And remember, this dovetails nicely back into rule number #1, which may make it possible from time to time to sneak off for a quick Corgie nap (no cats at Buckingham).
    5.   Mind his manners, but massage his tender heart more. The English have cornered the market on the important skill set of social graces. His royal highness will be in good hands. But generations of royals appear to have lacked the affection all children crave, something Grandfather Charles found difficult to display at all, but William's late mother, Diana, worked tirelessly to overcome. If a picture is worth a thousand words, judging from today's 'unveiling' to the world, I would say the young chap is off to a very jolly good start, cradled in the arms of loving parents who seem determined to model a new modernity of royal family.  And that 'Manners A lot'!

    

A FATHER-LESS DAY

    I lost my father a couple months ago. I never could have imagined back in March, when a stumble sent him to the hospital, and then into rehabilitation, that our first Father's Day apart would be weeks away.
     Today, on a pre-Father's Day hike with the father of my children, to the rim of the world, Parker Lake and the southern skirt of Yosemite and the Sierra, at an elevation my muscles may never recover from, the majestic splendor of the geography, and the fact that I trailed my husband and two of our three children, gave me great pause to reflect, and appreciate.
    I will miss tomorrow's telephone call to my father, but will treasure forever the voicemails I saved, and the many saved in my memory bank.
   I will appreciate my father's gift of patience, the next time one of his grandchildren test us.  I hope they bumped dear Dad up to first class when he soared to heaven. Afterall, he had the patience of Job, as the father of three girls.
    I will think of Dad as the weather takes an unusual turn for mid-June. A Kansan, born in a farmhouse that was often rattled by tornados, we enjoyed dissecting the weather forecasts.
    I will remember his resolve to protect and provide for his family, at any cost. If only more fathers placed such a high premium on that value. 
    I will light sparklers on the Fourth of July, and write his name in the air with them.
    And I will enjoy a slice of watermelon, in his honor, with a sprinkle of salt, remembering how he loved to make homemade ice cream the old fashioned way, with a hand-crank.
    My father was our family's plaster, brick and mortar.  We are all the richer for that. And he was triple-blessed with three like-minded, amazing sons-in-law, who carry on his legacy on Father's Day and always, because 'ItMannersAlot'!
   
   

TO THE CLASS OF 2013

“Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!”

– Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

       In the coming weeks, thousands of graduates will don caps and gowns, receive a hard-earned diploma, and set sail on their idyllic journey to great places. They will no doubt thank all those who helped them in reaching this milestone: Google, Wikipedia, Starbucks and Mr. ATM to name a few.

    And they will be lathered in accolades, pats on the back and high-fives. The path to graduation will be like playing Candy land – frothy, and laden with fluffy, artificially sweetened pieces of advice. Enjoy every last bite of the sugar-coated pearls of wisdom.

And after the last sip of your iced mocha, marinate on this:

    No one owes you a thing. Oh sure, your parents may be picking up the tuition tab for now (which may be closed before your first Incomplete), but you are not ENTITLED to anything. Carve your path in life by wanting what you already have, not having everything you want. Living each day from a place of immense gratitude and thankfulness will lower your blood pressure, extend your life, improve your health and wellness, and attract others to you like a magnet.

    Appreciate where you are right now. You may never get that dream job, but find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Remember, in this job market tighter than Spanx, don’t give up or consider certain employment beneath you. Manage what little money you have and make it last. Don’t contribute to the national debt, but pay your debt to your community. Invest in making your corner of the world better, safer and nicer.

   Make the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ part of your daily vocabulary. Like magic, you will be amazed at the doors they will help open for you. In a world increasingly void of civility and thoughtfulness, being polite and courteous to others will always give you an advantage.

  Discover what moves you, inspires you and brings out the best in you, and then chase this passion to the ends of the earth. What you are passionate about will define you, not the leased luxury car you think you must drive or the crib in the fancy zip code where you think you should reside.

   Living an honest life of purpose will take leaps of faith and involve risk-taking. If you play life safe, you will never truly know what you are capable of doing, or feeling. Your true success will not be measured just by all your wins and getting what you want, but by your losses and disappointments as well. Failing IS succeeding, if you find the lesson to be learned in the experience and don’t let it be a lesson lost.

   Life is not easy. In fact, it will be downright hard when you least expect it. But it will always beat the six-feet-under alternative. Rest your faith in a higher power.

   Don’t marry the first person who sweeps you off your feet. Romance and butterflies in your stomach have a shelf life shorter than a Taylor Swift song; Build your future on a bedrock of commitment, respect and shared values with someone you see yourself sitting side by side with in wheelchairs in a nursing home someday.

   Give back, each and every day, in big or small ways. Whether it is holding the door for an elderly person, letting the shopper with just one item leap ahead of you, or volunteering for a non-profit, giving of yourself, your time and talents isn’t for others to do. It is part of your unspoken contract with growing up and becoming a mature adult.

   Reading may no longer be mandatory, but never stop. Read everything you can get your hands on. The more you read, the more you know, the better you are able to converse, and the more interesting you become to others.

   Enjoy the obstacle course that your life will become. That’s right, the student loans, the unreasonable professor, the selfish roommate. You’re not going to be able to rewind your journey like a television episode on demand. ALL of it will become the fabric of your life!

   And finally, laugh often. In almost every circumstance veiled by uncertainty or angst, there will be slivers of something worth laughing at. Laugh at yourself and don’t take yourself too seriously. Not only is it the best medicine, but it is much cheaper than prescriptions.

    As beloved Dr. Seuss, Theodor Seuss Geisel writes in Oh, the Places You’ll Go!, life really is a ‘Great Balancing Act’. Wherever you go and whatever you do up there on the high wire of life, be authentically you, and not someone you think others should see. Take ownership of your actions and all of their consequences. In doing so, you will strike the perfect balance, and what really ‘Manners A lot’!

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY...SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

    I don't have a horse in tomorrow's special election race to fill the 16^th California Senate seat vacated early by Michael Rubio. But from my perch in the grandstands of the 3^rd District, I find the spectacle that is Leticia Perez's campaign really bad form. I kept thinking, i'm missing pieces to this puzzle. There must be something more to her decision, besides 'seizing opportunity', that would make it okay in her mind to court, seemingly so sincerely, the voters of Kern County's 5th District last year, rake in thousands of dollars in contributions, and then just a few months into the gig have a sudden change of heart when a better looking 'suitor' came calling. 

     But if there is a greater, authentic justification, I haven't found it. And i've looked. I've really tried.

    Last year, in announcing her run for supervisor, candidate Perez said the voters of the 5^th District should not pick a supervisor who used “political loopholes”, a reference to her opponent, Karen Goh, who was appointed to the seat by former Governor Schwarzenegger.

   Perez argued that voters should judge the candidates “by how deep the roots of a candidate reach into the earth of the district.”

   Political loopholes look a lot like rungs on the ladders eager politicians like Ms. Perez can't keep from climbing. And as for those roots in the 'earth of the district', sorry 5^th District residents, apparently they just didn't run deep enough.

   Whatever happened to saying what you MEAN, and meaning what you SAY?  12 months ago your performance of someone anxious to go to bat for the little people of the 5th District earned you the job.  If you meant it then, shouldn't you have felt the same way for the duration of the term?

    Maybe what you mean to say now is that if you are elected to serve in the 16th Senate District, 16th Senate District residents may find themselves in the same boat as your current constituents, should a congressional seat, a Presidential appointment, or a job at Chevron roll across the conveyor belt of her political ambitions. They have no real assurances, other than Perez's word (and I'm not sure how much of that you can take to the bank) that she's any more comitted to you than she said she would be to the voters of the 5^th District of Kern County. Her win may become your loss if a more attractive 'opportunity' comes calling.

Should Perez be defeated, the residents of Kern's 5^th District, the ones in the rear-view mirror of her short-sighted political ambition, will be stuck with someone who apparently doesn't want to be in a long-term, committed relationship with them for the duration of the term. Her loss will be yours as well.
    In an age when distrust of politicians and the political process is at an all time high, wouldn't it be refreshing if emerging public servants with great promise and the potential for years of service SAID what they meant, and MEANT what they said?  Afterall, it 'Manners A lot'! 

A MOTHER'S RECIPE OF LOVE

    Among my mother Socorro Munoz Kimble's many talents, was her creativity in the kitchen.  So much so, that in 1987 she co-authored the book "Mexican Desserts...the Sweet Side of Mexican Cooking". Born in Auguascalientes, Mexico, she emigrated to this country as a child with her sweet tooth intact.
   She could easily have written about the wonderful world of tortillas or having fun with tequilla.  But given her lifelong affinity for sweets, it was only fitting that she chose to shine a spotlight on the oft-overlooked end of the Mexican meal.
      Those ingredients in her recipes, rich staples of her Mexican culture, made for some mouthwatering desserts, and in honor of Mother's Day, give me some food for thought for baking a recipe of life and love:
     1.  Sugar.  The sweetness of life may come disguised as brown sugar or honey, or even powdered, but regardless of its form, it should be enjoyed and appreciated. It can be found in the littlest of things, the smallest of acts, the shortest of sentiments, like "I Love You", but its purity should never be taken for granted. And it will always off-set the sour moments that will be inevitable.
     2.  Spice.  Always add a dash or two of spice to one's life. Yours, your friends and family. Just as cinnamon, nutmeg and chili powder evoke uniquely different responses, spice up your interactions with the people in your life, the places you visit, and the experiences that you heap onto life's plate. 
      3.  Lemon Rind. Without a little sour taste or bitterness, life would be simply bland.  It is a necessary ingredient for building strong spirits and characters of beauty.
     4.  Coffee. Life should be lived caffinated. Don't let the decaffinated version pass you by. Breathe deeply, love passionately, laugh heartily and soak up life like a sponge whatever rolls your way.
     5.  Warm Water. Without this binding agent, many recipes would fall flat. We will all encounter frigidly cold shoulders, and cold-hearted souls, but the warmth of a smile, an embrace or gesture will bind us to one another in ways we are intended to be.

     Stir all these ingredients together, bake them in the oven of your heart forever, and savor the marinade of a mother's recipe of love.  Afterall, ItMannersAlot!  Happy Mother's Day!

   

LOHAN GUILTY...of INCONSIDERATION

     I am not eligible to serve as a juror in actress Lindsay Lohan's alleged lying-to-cops trial in Los Angeles. But like millions, I am already empaneled instead in the court of public opinion, and I have already rendered my verdict:  GUILTY!
     Not on the charges of fibbing to law enforcement, an alleged offense that should have merited her ten years in time out in a far corner of the globe, and a good old fashioned spanking by a responsible member of her family tree, if there are any.
     But GUILTY for making a career out of disrespect, knowing  full well the world is watching. 
     Disrespecting her family.  Where I come from, the words 'black sheep' would have already been slapped on like a good housekeeping seal of disapproval.
     Disrespecting her good fortune. A young talent with more promise than TMZ freelance photographers, who has squandered away career opportunities thousands only wish for.
     Disrespecting her industry.  Maybe Lindsay really is a cat, and has nine lives. I doubt it. Not even a future role as an Elizabeth Taylor-like Catwoman can resurrect a career that has been afforded countless third, fourth and fifth 'second' chances.
     Disrespecting herself and her God-given talent. If it is a future part as a narcissist, addicted to poor influences and  terrible lifestyle choices that habitually squash her God-given abilities and self-esteem that Lohan is after in her public auditions, then she has nailed it!
      Disrespecting authority.  This morning her inconsideration hit another low, like Florida sinkhole LOW.  After getting off a commercial flight bound for Southern California yesterday, she boarded a private jet, only to arrive to court 48 minutes late. That kind of 'I am special and above the law' attitude, snubbing authorities is repugnant, bad manners and incredibly inconsiderate.
     Add to that her decision to arrive in what will surely look great sometime after midnight in the VIP section of the Mondrian Hotel's SkyBar - a yard of sheer fabric left over from someone's Holy Communion dress - and Lohan's crimes against social graces far outweigh what she must answer to today in an LA courtroom.
     This slow-motion trainwreck of poor behavior is as tiring as the thought of yet another season of the Real Housewives of Orange County.  Where is Andy Cohen when we need him?  Sentence poor Linds to a season with the women of Bravo, place her under house arrest with Lisa Vanderpump, and for the sake of us all, keep her away from Sur, Villa Blanca or Pacific Coast Highway.
  

HEAVEN HELP US

          The dictionary defines the adjective REVERENCE as deeply respectful.  Where it went is anyone's guess!  My time today at noon mass was chalked full of reminders of how even the slightest acts of disrespect stick out like sore thumbs.
     When entering a temple or place of worship, EVERYTHING else should  be checked at the doors. Everything!
     Including idle chit-chat while you are awaiting the commencement of the worship service. Others around you may be trying to pray or meditate quietly.
    Including gum-chewing. Really? In some places of worship, you are going to chomp on your gum until Communion, and then, what?  Disrespectful, and equally distracting as the nervous chatterboxes.
   Including answering your cell phone. I leave mine in the car. Unless you are a physician on call, all mobile devices should be silenced.  
   Including boisterous conversation outside between parishioners who attended the previous service, but still very audible inside. 
   Including arriving noticeably late. Like, the service is half-way over late.  Disrespectful and a major distraction. The reverence that is called for in a place of worship means showing respect and honoring one another's intimate time between them and their maker.
    Most denominations don't require members to worship but once a week.  Heaven help us if we can't manage to silence our mobile devices, our mouths, or reign in our actions during that short time. Afterall, ItMannersAlot!
  

2012's BEST & WORST

     2012! What a year! From a White House snub and, predictably, some celebs losing a bit of their star wattage and luster, to the prevalence of sleepwear in public and a rise in littering, this year social graces were perched perilously close to their own cliff, gone Gangnam style out of control. 
     But thankfully, kindness also abounded, even in the most atrotious of places.
     There is no appropriate category for what happened in the innocent confines of a Colorado movie theater on a warm summer night, or inside an elementary school in an idyllic Connecticut community eleven days before Christmas. Unquestionably, it was evil at its worst.
     But out of such horror, emerged stories of heroism - a boyfriend who took a bullet for his girlfriend, and a principal and teachers who lost their lives by lunging at a gunman and shielding their students.
    There was a lot of good embedded in those horrific moments in Connecticut and Colorado, and elsewhere, a reminder that even in the most abominable of times, benevolence and mercy can triumph. 
    Likewise, Superstorm Hurricane Sandy was Mother Nature at her worst this year - paralyzing parts of the northeast and wreaking havoc on many lives. But she didn't dampen the spirit of courage and determination, even in the face of rising tides and disaster.  Those affected banded together to help neighbors, and volunteer support poured in from around the world, further evidence that the human spirit of helping one another is still alive and well.  We saw it in the first responders, the selfless victims and volunteers from such organizations as the Red Cross who acted quickly to stave off further damage.

 Looking back over the many ITMANNERSALOT blogs and columns posted and published this year online, at BakersfieldMom.com and in BakersfieldLife Magazine, some antics and other acts of thoughtfulness stood out. Herewith, is the best of the worst, and the creme of the crop, along with the hope that 2013 will usher in more good manners.  After all, it 'MANNERS A LOT'!

THE BEST OF 2012:

1.  Ann Curry:   The class and grace the morning show co-host displayed during weeks of speculation of her demotion was worthy of an Academy Award. She too had read the blogs, the headlines, the anonymous quotes her employers had given to the press.  She continued to show up for work, held her head high, turned a cheek, and bowed out with elegance.

2. Former Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords:  One year after a gunman interrupted her life and those of 19, representative Giffords returned to Washington to submit her resignation from Congress. She did so with true grit and a determination characterized by faith and courage.

3. Wendy Wayne - Community activist Wendy Wayne lost her battle with cancer in June.  She'd battled it before, and conquered it.  This time, she knew she was outmatched, and decided hers had been a life well-lived, and surrendered gracefully, making her final days and hours special for those dearest to her.  A grief-stricken community held tributes, and established everlasting memorials in the name of the woman who was as much a treasure to Bakersfield and Kern County as she treasured her community.Wendy's journey taught us about the power in the pillars of strength and resolve.

THE WORST OF 2012:

1. The Device:  IPad, Ipod, Iphone, Smartphone - whatever the alias, the mobile device could not outsmart bad manners.  If only there was an app for that!  The virtual distraction still took the place of too many face-to-face conversations. Upgrades only downgraded our real-time interaction with one another to the point that 2012 may be worst remembered for the year we stopped talking to each other. The Gadget also served as a cautionary tale, that what happens in Vegas DOESN'T stay in Vegas,  even if you are an heir to the British throne caught with your pants down in a royal flush of embarrassment exposing the crown jewels.

2. The Dismissiveness and Dismissed:  Vice President Joe Biden's debate with Congressman Paul Ryan made for some great political theater, but it also exposed Biden's raw hot buttons and inability to contain himself within the confines of a setting where decorum should have been the abiding rule.  His ticket may have been re-elected, but his lack of disrespect for his debate partner before a global television audience was not deserving of four more years. Here's hoping he can channel his inner pit bull as he wades into the national debate on gun violence. 
    In this economy, still crawling its way back from its own fiscal cliff, job layoffs are still common.  They are unpleasant for everyone involved.  But perhaps no demotion played itself out on the national stage more painfully than NBC's mishandling of the Today Show's Ann Curry and her reassignment.  The backlash continues against the network, its venerable morning show, and its star Matt Lauer, widely considered to have placed the knife into his co-host's back. See #3 above.

3.  Pajama Partiers: There was a time when sleepwear never saw the light of day outside the confines of one's residence. Probably the same era before cellular phones and the internet.  Today, it seems to be the rule, not the exception - wearing pajamas in public. Never a good look, and always in poor taste.  I can't help but wonder what will be next?

4.  The Litterbug:  Back for the second year in a row, the Litterbug was more like an infestation, especially in Kern County.  Parking lots, auditorium seats and roadways were used as trash cans with increased frequency.  Littering is a violation of local ordinances, and the ultimate sign of disrespect to our beautiful community. I heard too many complaints from out-of-towners who were aghast at the debris that littered the on and off ramps to our highways. Let's exterminate the Litterbug infestation in 2013!

5. The Famous Behaving Infamously:  Besides the usual suspects like Lindsay Lohan, there were others who once again gave celebrity a black eye. Olivier Martinez gave Halle Berry's ex, Gabriel Aubry a shiner on Thanksgiving day, Angust Jones threw his own meal ticket - the hit TV show "Two and a Half Men" under the bus, actress Kristen Stewart felt compelled to purge herself of the secret the "Twilight" star had been harboring, her affair with her "Snow White and Huntsman" director, and Stanley Cup goalie Tim Thomas' inexplicably decided to turn down an invitation from the White House. Memo to all of the above:  Your adoring fans are watching. Think FIRST before speaking, slugging or snubbing! 

KIDS _____THE DARNDEST THINGS

   Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby were right: Kids, even famous ones, say the darndest things. Add a couple more verbs, and you have the trilogy of bad form that played itself out - where else - in headlines and online this past week.
   Angus Jones, the young actor from "Two and a Half Men", infamously referred to his bread and butter job as "filth" in an online video that has since gone viral, encouraging viewers to turn the channel from the hit television show that is Jones' meal ticket.
   Where was his mama?  Unless he knew he'd have the winning powerball ticket, why throw your own job under the bus? Had he thought for a second, which obviously he didn't, about the potential long-term consequences of his ill-advised exercise at freedom of speech, maybe he wouldn't have SAID the darndest of things.
   Perhaps he was taking a cue from another youngster, Justin Bieber, who WORE the darndest thing when meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister. I like that kid. I spend every weekday morning with him and my swooning teenager in the car on the way to school, but again, I wondered, where was his mama?
  A small army of people make a lot of money protecting the Biebermachine, his brand and image. Wasn't there ONE person in his circle of handlers that thought the Biebermeister might look better in a collared shirt instead of overalls, and undone at that?  Dear Mr. Greenjeans: Your fame may eclipse that of the prime minister, but it shouldn't be an excuse to disrespect the Canadian leader by leaving decorum back in the dressing room and WEARING the darndest of things.
   And finally, this three-ringed circus of bad behavior wouldn't be complete without perennial problem child Lindsay Lohan, a human magnet for trouble, who this week again found herself in hot water by allegedly DOING the darndest of things in the pre-dawn darkness at a New York City nightclub.  Accused of punching a patron, I wondered again where her mama was? I know, probably down the street at another club.  Even Liz Taylor knew that NOTHIING good happens at 4 a.m. at a NYC nightclub!
    If these overgrown kids, idolized for their fame and antics, had only thought before speaking (into a video camera), looked in a full-length mirror, or hailed a cab after last call like nice (not mean) girls do, they'd be doing a great service to the legions of fans who follow them like puppy dogs, and no doubt now have the mixed message that speaking your mind, wearing what you want, and settling disputes with limbs doesn't matter.  
   News flash: It 'MANNERS' a lot!
   Wonder what Linkletter and Cosby would think?

FEAST ON FAMILY, NOT FEUDING

   Thanksgiving is like the marriage vow:   For better or for worse.
   In the coming hours, family and friends will descend upon us like the coming of the Locusts. We will greet one another with voices pitched so high that animals in neighboring counties will hear, like an old 78 RPM record on a carb-high. And as sure as there will be pumpkin pie on the dessert buffet, someone will say something that may offend somebody else, and the people we couldn't wait to see may be hurling verbal molotov-cocktails at each other. 
    For some reason this holiday, more so than any other, tends to bring out the best and the worst in people. Maybe it is the absence of gifts and colored eggs, or the presence of too many adult beverages mixed with heaping amounts of utopia-like expectations.
    If you are hosting friends and relatives, remember that you set the tone. Don't fret over what is over-cooked.  Frankly, it is the coming together with the people we love that matters most.
    If someone else is putting on the spread, be a good guest and bring along a nice bottle of wine - you'll be granted immunity.
     This year my wonderful sister-in-law will host our family - the size of a football team:  2% her side, 98% ours. I am grateful for her hospitality - and plumbing.
      Thanksgiving has its own awkwardness, and all the ripe and ready ingredients for some ribbing, rubbing the wrong way or stepping on toes. But it doesn't have to devolve into an episode of Family Feud.
      Carve out time to engage in authentic conversations with people whom you haven't seen in some time, offer to help, and feast on the blessings of family, friends, health and prosperity - afterall, "It 'Manners' A lot"!
  

DEBATE OVER DISMISSIVENESS

    Last night's vice-presidential debate may have provided great political theater, but it also served up a wonderful lesson on the importance of the art of listening on a silver platter, especially for law professors, and mock trial and debate coaches everywhere. 
   To be clear, this blog is NOT about partisan politics. I enjoyed every second of the 90-minute debate. It was engaging, thought-provoking, and terrific public speaking.  And at its conclusion, at least one thing was crystal clear: Paul Ryan is a dead-ringer for Eddie Munster.
  But it was also an hour-and-a-half of cringe-worthy live television.  Reportedly both sides had been prepping meticulously in the days leading up to the debate. But surely NO ONE coached vice president Biden on the type of behavior he couldn't seem to keep a lid on last night.
   At times, dismissive and condescending, his inability to listen to congressman Ryan in silence without rolling his eyeballs, giggling or smirking became this circus' side-show. Even first-year lawyers with no trial experience know not to react the way Biden did when opposing counsel is up at bat!
   At first, the bad form could be chalked up to the vice president being, well, very Biden-esque. His reputation precedes him.  But it wasn't long before his reactions when the congressman was responding were just  plain rude. I for one, was embarassed for him.
    By the end of the boxing match, the substance the two sparred over was overshadowed by the way the vice president conducted himself on the national stage. 
   The. Vice. President! 
   Effective communication, conversation and civilized disagreement hinge not just on the words spoken, but on how they are absorbed as well. The art of being a good, polite, and gracious listener is waning these days. We see it across all media platforms. 
  But a passionate and lively debate is one thing. Habitually interrupting, mocking and laughing as the other person is speaking is really bad manners. It is juvenile and unbecoming, especially from someone a heart beat away from the highest office in the land. Too bad Mr. Biden didn't extend Paul Ryan the courtesy of being a polite listener as the congressman had.  
     Today, all sides are claiming victory, with the exception of social graces, which sadly, came out the biggest loser in last night's fiery display of bad form. Memo to Mr. Vice-President:  It really DOES 'Manner' A lot!
  

ROYAL FLUSH OF EMBARRASSMENT

The House of Windsor is no stranger to the royal flush of embarrassment resulting from leaked illicit recordings: Prince Andrew's ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson was caught on tape trying to elicit a bribe in exchange for access to her former husband; the late Princess Diana's clandestine telephone calls with a lover were intercepted and detailed by the British tabloids for all the world to read. So when photographs of her son, Prince Harry, surfaced this week, confirming that what happens in swanky suites in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas, it should have come as no real surprise. Embarrassing, yes. Shocking, no.
What was he thinking many wondered? I doubt he was, as he stood in his birthday suit, cuping the crown jewels. Royals are supposed to have handlers around to think those scenarios through FOR them. Apparently his security detail was asleep at the roulette wheel.
Hopefully, others will see his mortification as a cautionary tale in this digital age of instant snap-and-post where the underage beer pong and intimate lip-lock can be shared with the webiverse within seconds and without permission.
Remind your children, pre-teens and up, that they don't need to be famous to have their behavior captured by pixels and uploaded to the world-wide-web, where their wrong moves will live in infamy and haunt them for a long time.
Whether they are at a dance, fraternity exchange, or party, young people should be mindful that today's paparazzi need only a cell phone with a camera to catch someone in their worst candid camera moment.
Think of the internet - Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, like the front page of the morning paper or billboard at the busiest intersection in town. If you don't want to be pictured there doing something inappropriate, don't provide eager shutterbugs with the opportunities. Afterall, it 'Manners' A lot!

APRON STRINGS & HEARTSTRINGS

There is a bug making the rounds these days. Its symptoms are few, it isn't accompanied by fever, and there is no known cure. Onset can begin as early as summer camp, and usually peaks at the beginning of a new school year. Not everyone will be stricken, but chances are you or someone you know has been hit with a bout of homesickness, whether you've walked your youngest into first grade or moved a son or daughter into their college dorm room hundreds or thousands of miles away.
It's been 40 years since my mother took the 'baby' of the family to kindergarten. I can't remember what I had for lunch two days ago, but that morning is seered in my memory bank. There stood my mom, lips quivering, tears welling up. My sister stood motionless, like a deer caught in headlights.
This week that same little girl joined the growing ranks of baby-boomer empty-nesters, taking her baby to college a state away. We could have done a week's worth of laundry with the waterworks in our family the past couple of weeks. Had someone not known better, they would assume the college coed was being deployed to Afghanistan, or worse yet - Calabassas to live with the Kardashian clan. Who knew sending a loved-one off to the University of fill-in-the-blank would stir feelings akin to banishment in Siberia or crusing aboard Titanic?
There are so many emotions and layers of dynamics at play when the apron strings are loosened, the heart strings are tugged, and the nest is suddenly nothing more than twigs and branches, that it would take a year of Dr. Phil episodes to decode it all.
This much I do know, having walked down this well-worn path four years ago when we sent our oldest, a high school sophomore at the time, away to a military academy boarding school: I'm not sure whom the situation is tougher on, but like a great wave off Malibu, everyone will need to ride it out.
Some, like my sister, will do so clutching her youngest's ankles as her child heads to class; others will never even put the car in park long enough to wave goodbye.
A year ago, we loosened the apron strings even more, moving our collegian into his dormitory at Ole Miss, the pride and joy of the South, where 'hotty toddy' isn't a beverage, but a religious experience and the excitement and energy could power a third-world nation. Our emotional trip was marked by arguments in the school supply aisles of Walmart, disagreements over whether we were allowed inside the sacred dorm room (college kids need our money, but still view us as members of an alien nation), and verbal battles about the necessity of a small battalion of appliances for a room smaller than a futon.
In our case, we couldn't part company fast enough, and our exhasperation prooved a great distraction on the flight home, until we returned to our nest, and listened for sounds of life. Instead, we were greeted by the whir of our appliances and the computer.
Whether your child will be adjusting to elementary school or living away from home for the first time, how you react will set the tempo for them. If you are doubled over and grief-stricken, expect a similar reaction from your student. Talking positively about the excitement to come, reassuring your child that this new chapter is a wonderful thing, and that these days ahead will be some of life's 'best of times', will be the strongest medicine possible for homesickness, on your end and theirs.
And when everyone is feeling better, pat yourself on the back for a job well done. When birdies leave the nest, it is mom and dad who helped strengthened their wings. Then slip into a bubble bath and let Calgon take you away. Afterall, it 'manners' a lot!

CUSTOMER AWASH IN THOUGHTLESSNESS

Sometimes, blog ideas slap you in the face like a wet towel, as was the case earlier at the Clearwater Car Wash - a hand-wash joint on Ocean Highway between South Carolina's seafood capitol - Murrells Inlet - and the state's commercialism mecca - Myrtle Beach.
A gully-washer of a thunderstorm loomed overhead. The sound of rolling thunder competed with the noise from inside the cave of oversized brushes and water works. The humidity promised a free wash for everyone.
The young man ahead of us was finally hailed over to his clean, grime-free SUV. A newer model. Like a Mars rover. Not the hillbilly wagon we were waiting to reclaim.
I worried those poor saps, dripping wet in the heat, polishing and wiping down cars, were going to keel over like the Olympic marathon walker last weekend. You just knew they'd rather be making smoothies up the road at Sonic. These hand-wash operators deserve every nickel of their tip - especially if it is a larger vehicle.
Curious as to whether the SUV's owner was going to reward the cleaner with a few bills, I watched as he approached his car, obviously his pride and joy. What happened next ultimately had my daughter and me doubled over in laughter, and then disappointment.
Mr. OCD inspected his vehicle with military precision, circling the wagon and pointing out a smudge here and a missed swipe there. Then his inspection focused on the interior. Oy. Every fiber of the carpeting was given the once over by this guy, while the car wash detail team stood by, aghast. Minutes rolled by to closing time. Mr. Obsessive-Compulsive grabbed a towel, apparently thinking it best to instruct these poor fellows on how to clean HIS car properly, as he waved the cloth in the air like a conductor.
Someone drag him over to our vehicle. He'd be horrified. Have a couple of kids. You won't be able to tell the difference between an inferior car wash and crayon marks.
The detail crew stood by, helpless. Was this a candid camera moment, perhaps? Unfortunately not. The owner of the vehicle proceeded to lift the hatch, and pull out his own cleaning supplies? Whah?! Either this guy is wound tighter than a fan belt, or the heat index has affected his thinking.
There is a myriad of items in the back of our vehicle - rusty beach chairs, an empty oil container, limbless dolls, but auto detail supplies are not included! He could have saved himself $17.99.
After the detail dance came to an end, and I prepared to gladly hand over my money to our wash boy, who looked as if he'd run through the sprinklers, I expected Mr. OCD to do the same.
Nope. Nada. Zippo.
Instead, the young SUV owner, upon green-lighting his own inspection, hopped into the car and sped away. I'm not sure what was worse, his insensitivity to the sweat and labor the boys had put into polishing his car, or his failure to tip them.
"I need a drink of water," the exhausted and deflated detail guy said as he walked by.
I think he just needed a drink!
Everywhere we turn these days, someone has a tip container at the ready, eager to be rewarded for doing next to nothing. There are plenty of self-services that don't merit a monetary appreciation. But the worker-bee who wipes down your car from bumper to bumper, inside and out, most certainly deserves a tip. Afterall, it 'manners' a lot!

FINDING GOOD EMBEDDED IN EVIL

These have been difficult days for many Americans, heartsick and shell-shocked in the wake of the Colorado movie theater ramapage. In the pre-dawn darkness of Friday morning, in another time zone two hours ahead of Colorado and unable to sleep, I stumbled onto some of the first reports out of Aurora. I was transfixed. As minutes turned into hours, I couldn't comprehend the death toll on the bottom of the television screen: 14 at the time, later revised back to 12 where it still stands. A half-dozen people are still clinging to life in critical condition.
My inability to fathom such senselessness and callous disregard for human life was wrapped like a hot dog inside that theater, a presumably safe haven where generations of families flock to escape the weather, the challenges of everyday life, and immerse themselves in the art form of movie making and entertainment.
The innocence of an outing as American as apple pie was shattered with each and every bullet. Our children love going to the show. I thought of the countless times we have gone together, or I have dropped them off for a couple hours of fun and enjoyment.
And I thought about the parents who had done the same Thursday night in Aurora. The mother who is paralyzed in a hospital bed with a bullet lodged in her throat, unaware her six year old daughter is among the fatalities. And Alex Sullivan, eager to ring in his 27th birthday, unaware it would be his final minutes of life inside the death chamber of theater number nine, while his father awaited his return home in a few hours.
This tragic, dark chapter in America's history has resonated with our children in a way unlike others such as the Tucson shooting a year-and-a-half ago. It is as if they have experienced a death in the family, aware now more than ever of their own vulnerability. Like so many,they want to help in some way. Naturally, their 'Pennies From Heaven' service project will be deployed once again.
But helping them make sense of this also means trying to explain the unimagineable, why someone would methodically calculate to end or destroy so many lives? We'll probably never know the answer to that, but in the midst of such devastation, the discussion must include the stories of the many good-deeds that attempted to triumph over evil just after midnight in that Century movie theater: The boyfriend who took a bullet for his girlfriend and her brother, the moviegoer who instructed strangers to 'play dead' in order to walk out alive, the police officers who abandoned standard emergency proceedure by loading people into the back of squad cars to rush them to the hospital, and the person who tried in vain to carry a mortally wounded victim to safety.
There was a lot of good embedded in those horrific minutes early Friday morning. May we as a nation remember that even in the most abominable of times, that benevolence and mercy will always try to rise above the smoke and poisonous gases of the most heinous and wicked acts.